Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Work Work Work!

A "brain-storming" session.
In order to help MicroSoft to reach their goal of world domination and so that Dell can tighten its grip on the desktop market, it is necessary for us peons to keep working at our places of employment. While the place where I currently work is actually very nice, this was not always so. Indeed, some places I've work have been somewhat…less than pleasant.

(Cheap, wavy, fade-away scene to Whatever working at a keyboard. Overhead, a company logo reads "Sansbrains")

(Not-so-big-boss): So! What do you think of our product? (Whatever, looking uneasy): Well, there are a few things that I think you could benefit by doing… (explains a few basic never-do-this sorts of things, all of which they are doing). (NSBS): Hmmm…let me call in the Alpha Geek. (W): Oh god. (Alpha Geek): Hi. (NSBS): So what do you think of Whatever's idea? (one of the nice things about using this name is that it fits so well into dialogs) (AG): (Takes Super Breath) Well…(launches into a 10min spiel that involves lots of buzz words. Half way through it, the NSBS leaves for a meeting, but AG continues none the less)…and that's why. (W): Why what? (AG): Why your idea sucks. (W): But we aren't actually using the stuff you talked about and, where we do, it's made things worse! (AG): Ah, let me explain (starts taking a "super breath" that will allow him to talk for another 10min without breathing). (W): Oh no…oh Gawd no!!!! (AG): It's not that bad. (W): Don't you see?!!

A mid-sized person wearing a crazy grin, wide-open, blood-shot eyes and frazzled hair walks into the room. Everywhere, people are cowering and hugging each other in terror. Even the Alpha Geek looks a bit nervous.

(Everyone): The Muckity-Muck! (MM): I just came back from a conference! (All): Noooooo! (MM): And I've brought in a consultant to help us refocus on core values so we can synergize with the rest of the company and become more agile!

In slouches a scruffy-looking individual with beady eyes and a nice suit. All-in-all he looks like…

(W): The Fiend! I didn't know you did consulting! (The Fiend): Yeah, well neither did I. (AG): You don't scare me (starts taking a Super Breath). (TF): Say Ted, why don't we go back to your office and talk some more about golf so I can justify the outrageous amounts of money I'm charging you? (MM): Great idea! (AG): (Lets out his Super Breath, knocking over a few cubes. Nearby plants and flowers also blacken and fall over.) Bastard. (W): Welcome to my world. (AG): (Glares at Whatever.)

Just then another individual, looking very much like the Muckity-Muck, except with a few advisors hovering around her, strides in.

(All): The Vice-President Muckity-Muck! (VPMM): Why isn't this project done?!! (AG): (starts taking a Super Breath). (W): Mostly because the system's a mess from his crap (points at the AG, who hasn't quite finished taking his Super Breath) and the nonsense that MM over there has inflicted on us.

There is a quiet pause, like the moment before lightning strikes. Everyone looks at Whatever in horrified, traffic-wreck fashion as the tension builds.

(AG): BABBLE-BABBLE-BABBLE!! (MM): Non-team player! BAD! BAD! (VPMM): Blasphemer! Killlllll Hiiiiiim! (TF): Jerk. (NSBS): Cya. (All others): At least it's not us. (W): (Whatever is lifted off his feet and thrown through several walls until he rests on the pavement outside the building.) Ouch.

Another day at the office.

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  • OFFICE_SPACE from the movie, "Office Space" copyright 1999 by Twentieth Century Fox.


Canuckistani said...

OMG! I was just over at YouTube looking at an "Office Space" clip!!! What a coincidence that is!

Whatever said...

Paper jam?! PAPER JAM?!!