(Cheap, wavy, fade-away scene to Whatever working at a keyboard. Overhead, a company logo reads "Sansbrains")
(Not-so-big-boss): So! What do you think of our product? (Whatever, looking uneasy): Well, there are a few things that I think you could benefit by doing… (explains a few basic never-do-this sorts of things, all of which they are doing). (NSBS): Hmmm…let me call in the Alpha Geek. (W): Oh god. (Alpha Geek): Hi. (NSBS): So what do you think of Whatever's idea? (one of the nice things about using this name is that it fits so well into dialogs) (AG): (Takes Super Breath) Well…(launches into a 10min spiel that involves lots of buzz words. Half way through it, the NSBS leaves for a meeting, but AG continues none the less)…and that's why. (W): Why what? (AG): Why your idea sucks. (W): But we aren't actually using the stuff you talked about and, where we do, it's made things worse! (AG): Ah, let me explain (starts taking a "super breath" that will allow him to talk for another 10min without breathing). (W): Oh no…oh Gawd no!!!! (AG): It's not that bad. (W): Don't you see?!!
A mid-sized person wearing a crazy grin, wide-open, blood-shot eyes and frazzled hair walks into the room. Everywhere, people are cowering and hugging each other in terror. Even the Alpha Geek looks a bit nervous.
(Everyone): The Muckity-Muck! (MM): I just came back from a conference! (All): Noooooo! (MM): And I've brought in a consultant to help us refocus on core values so we can synergize with the rest of the company and become more agile!
In slouches a scruffy-looking individual with beady eyes and a nice suit. All-in-all he looks like…
(W): The Fiend! I didn't know you did consulting! (The Fiend): Yeah, well neither did I. (AG): You don't scare me (starts taking a Super Breath). (TF): Say Ted, why don't we go back to your office and talk some more about golf so I can justify the outrageous amounts of money I'm charging you? (MM): Great idea! (AG): (Lets out his Super Breath, knocking over a few cubes. Nearby plants and flowers also blacken and fall over.) Bastard. (W): Welcome to my world. (AG): (Glares at Whatever.)
Just then another individual, looking very much like the Muckity-Muck, except with a few advisors hovering around her, strides in.
(All): The Vice-President Muckity-Muck! (VPMM): Why isn't this project done?!! (AG): (starts taking a Super Breath). (W): Mostly because the system's a mess from his crap (points at the AG, who hasn't quite finished taking his Super Breath) and the nonsense that MM over there has inflicted on us.
There is a quiet pause, like the moment before lightning strikes. Everyone looks at Whatever in horrified, traffic-wreck fashion as the tension builds.
(AG): BABBLE-BABBLE-BABBLE!! (MM): Non-team player! BAD! BAD! (VPMM): Blasphemer! Killlllll Hiiiiiim! (TF): Jerk. (NSBS): Cya. (All others): At least it's not us. (W): (Whatever is lifted off his feet and thrown through several walls until he rests on the pavement outside the building.) Ouch.
Another day at the office.
- OFFICE_SPACE from the movie, "Office Space" copyright 1999 by Twentieth Century Fox.