Martians!

Image copyright/trademark/whatever Warner Bros Entertainment.

Ever since I saw "My Favorite Martian" I've dreamed of being the person to make contact with aliens. Either that or maybe I could be a "Leek Sky-hopper" kinda blow-up-the-Deathstar kind of guy.

Well, I've seen the face of the aliens, folks, and it wasn't pretty…

I was walking down the street, minding my own business, when this flying saucer pulls up. Yes, just like that. Yes, actually I am getting therapy, thank you very much, now let me continue… At any rate, this escalator descends out of the thing and is quickly followed by a pair of egg-shaped critters with antennas, weird outfits and…cigars of all things.

(Martian #1): Take me to your leader! (Martian #2): (nudges M#1) (M#1): Take us to your leader! (Me): What? (M#1): No games, huuu-nam! (M#2): Yeah! (puff, puff, puff) (M): Who the hell are you? (M#1): Martians! Why do you think we have these outrageous accents?! (M#2): Sheesh (puff, puff, puff) (M): You're from Mars? (M#1): What? Never! I said we were Martians, not that we were from Mars! Stooopid huuuu-man… (M#2): (putting hands on hips) Da noiv! That low-rent district! (puff, puff, puff) (M): I've been drinking too much…or maybe not enough. (M#1): Enough talk! (takes out a silly looking ray gun and vaporizes a nearby car) Now take us to your leader or we fries you! (Me): Right! Leader! Which one? (M#1): (glances at M#2) I never thought of that…could more than one be responsible? (M#2): Well…we could just fry em all… (M#1): Good point! (Glaring at me again): All the leadaaars! And hurry up! (M#2): Yeah! (puff, puff, puff) (Me): (I glance around helplessly when my eyes alight upon a nearby newspaper thingie) Of course! They're over at…

Later on that day I was watching CNN when the news broke about how the President, Congress and the Senate had been vaporized…except for John Kerry…

(Newscaster): And so, aside from Massachusetts, government efficiency has been at least doubled thanks to this chain of events…

CNN cuts to John Kerry, in the midst of a speech.

(John Kerry): …and you'd better study or you could end up on Mars!

Just then a brilliant flash of light obliterates John Kerry, leaving a pile of ashes. Nearby reporters gawk until the screen cuts back to the newscaster.

(Newscaster): This just in! Government efficiency in Massachusetts has doubled!

Screen dissolves into static and is then replaced by a black and white picture of the two Martians.

(M#1): Let this be a warning, huuu-mons! We see any more postings from this so-called blog… (Me): (sprays out beer) (M#2): Yeah! (M#1): …and we squish you flat…like bug! (M#2): umm…Yeah!

The two Martians look smug for a few seconds, then realize the camera is still on.

(M#1): ummm…Yeah! (M#2): (puff, puff, puff) (M#1): (nudges M#2) (M#2): Yeah!

The Martians fidget for a second.

(M#1): Hey, could you turn that off? (M#2): (puff, puff, puff)

The screen dissolves back into static, to be replaced by CNN

(Newscaster): And so the question remains: who is this mystery blogger? The FBI is questioning likely subjects in pursuit of a Mr. "What" "Ever." Proprietor of blather-n-rants.blogspot.com. If you know his whereabouts, please call the following number!

I'll just be taking a short break from blogging for a bit…you know, to sort of recharge my batteries…yeah…that's it.

Tags: Martians, cigars, bad writing, blogging Legalese: MARVIN THE MARTIAN, LOONEY TUNES, characters, names and all related indicia are trademarks/copyright of Warner Bros. Entertainment.