Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Internet Trash Talking

For whatever reason, it seems like people enjoy upsetting each other. Maybe everyone is just so bored with kind and thoughtful behavior that they just want to see some action but can’t pop a DVD of “Random Violence” into the player and are tossing around for something else to do. Whatever the reason, it seems that when people are in a bad mood, everyone else will descend on them and try to “yank their chain.”

And then there’s Derek Smart.

According to some scholarly sources (wikipedia and everything2), Mr. Smart is or was an avid participant in one of the usenet’s longest running flame wars. Much of it centered around some game that Derek wrote way back when that according to some people was a complete train-wreck.

Being the old fart that I am, I did post to the usenet back in the day and it was fairly easy to get sucked into a flame war. They could start out innocuously enough, you know, asking for an opinion or whatnot, but there is only so much logic you can use before you just reach the point of “I believe X because it’s my opinion.”

That is where most people seem to just let it drop. That’s where you sort the men from the boys. All the pansies and pretends fall away leaving the hard core. The crazy. The freaks.

Ya see, once you have reached the point that logic ends, then it’s time to start attacking the other person. It’s all well and good to have an opinion, but if the holder is a twit then that opinion isn’t worth much, is it? Thus the conversation would inevitably turn in that direction; at least all the entertaining ones would, and turn into a game of “the dozens.”

Once again you reach a point where most people call it quits. All you have to do is claim that you won, loudly and constantly, and you will have achieved about as much as you ever hope to in such a waste of time. But once again you find the truly hard core players amongst the wanna-bes. The ones who are willing to take the next step to…psycho-hood.

Such people waved “bye-bye” to logic long ago. Attacks on a person’s style or personality are childish. These wackos threaten all-out violence. Such threats are not quite what they once were. Back in the day, you could threaten to “beat the living shit” out of someone and nothing would come of it. These days, however, there is some chance that The Man could get involved.

Thus the more cunning psychos use oblique threats against one another like: “Gee, it would be just terrible if a soda vending machine were to beat the living shit out of you.” Another good one is “It would be just awful if, say, a Mac, 18-wheel rig where to run over your pet dog Foo-Foo while you were out walking him, say on the corner of Centre (note the hoity-toity spelling) and 3rd street, at 8:15am tomorrow morning!”

Now one might ask: what does all this have to do with Derek Smart? Why are you blathering on? Did any of those pick-up lines from that one post work? The answers are of course, nothing, no reason, and yes (I got my face slapped 3 times). But the point of this is the same as the point of arguing on the internet in general: even if you win, you’re still a loser.

technorati: Derek Smart, flame wars

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Voodoo on You-Do!

There is an Adam Sandler song called “Voodoo” where Mr. Sandler is able to put hexes on noisy leaf blowers, cantaloupe-snatching old women and traffic cops who hand out speeding tickets.

I like this idea. Specifically, I like the idea of dressing up in a grass kilt (not skirt), taping a chicken bone to my upper lip, dancing around a camping stove and sticking pins into a doll that represents the one who has visited so much torment on me.

Oh yeah, and putting a hex on them sounds good too.

Now, I’m not talking about rotting people’s insides or turning them into a toad, oh no! I don’t want something so quick and, well, fast. I’m talking about making them suffer!

Some examples:

  • To the guy that was tailgating me today: ye fate is to have ye car stall at a traffic light!
  • To the chick who tossed out a Wendy’s, 32 once, partially filled soda thingie onto the highway divider: a pox on thee!Let thy garbage can be blown over by a gust of wind!
  • To the smarmy muckity-muck with yer self-important, 30minute, time wasting blather: thy shooz shall squeak for a period not less than 5min!

And last, but certainly not least:

  • To the Critic: let thy browzar shew nothin but porn sites for ye next 10 loadies!

But the final touch, the thing that would make it all worthwhile is the idea of making them realize that it was me who has put this terrible curse upon them. They would realize that, though I am small and easily pushed around, I am not to be trifled with. To drive the point home, before any curse would take effect, I would have to stand relatively near to them, point a bent spoon or other suitable object and proclaim: “Voodoo on you-do!”

Thanks to the internet, it has been possible for me to become an expert* in a relatively short amount of time. Using my new found knowledge, I confronted The Critic:

(Me): Voodoo on you-do! (The Critic): Why do you have a pizza crust taped to your upper lip? (Me, taken aback): I don’t like chicken. (C): You wanted to tape a chicken to your upper lip? (M): Well, a chicken bone really. (C): And why are you pointing an empty, 2 liter thingie of diet coke at me? (M): Oh yeah, Voodoo on you! (C): You already said that. (M): Yeah, well, now it’s a double whammy. (C): You’re trying to put a curse on me? (M): Muhahahahaha! If only you had read my latest posting you might have avoided your fate, but now…MUHAHAHAHA! (C): Riiiight. So now I’m cursed…well, I don’t see any difference. (M): Wait till you fire up your browser! (C): OK, hang on a sec. (Walks over to computer, brings up browser) (M): Cute Kittens? (C): So sue me. What’s supposed to be different? (M): Try going somewhere else. (C): (Brings up a variety of sites, none of them having to do with porn) Well? (M): Hmmm…I think I need to go study…

After an exhaustive study of the information available to me, I was still perplexed by my lack of Voodoo-oriented success when The Critic called me:

(The Critic): You don’t have to do the whole thing where you point something at the victim and proclaim “Voodoo on you-do!” (Me): Hey, it’s artistic license. (C): You’re no longer suspended? (M): I didn’t say that, but how do you know so much about Voodoo? (C): Oh, just a wild guess. (M): Whatever. It’s only a matter of time before I get you…and your little gigapet too! (C): (Yawning) Oh no.

I was going to write more, but all my word processor seems to be interested in doing is spewing out the sentence: “I am a dopy doodie-head.” I’m sure that it’s a glitch that will resolve itself.

* = I partially read 2 or 3 pages from some half-reputable sites I found on Google. OK, so 2 of the 3 were sites featuring women with boobs that Gawd himself would look at and say: “I didn’t make those;” but the 3rd site was sort of about Voodoo.


Wednesday, September 20, 2006

How to Get Some Booty

Don’t do this. This is to say, I may not know how to get girls, but I know how not to get girls. With this patented advice, I can almost guarantee that you will fail. Therefore, if you do something else, you will at least have a chance.

Step 1: The Ice Breaker

You need some way of “getting your foot in the door” as salesmen say. You can’t use my incredible moves if you don’t start a conversation, so here are some ideas:

  • Spill a drink on her.
  • Walk up to her and sniff. Ask her if she smells something. Claim that it is her.
  • Take out an old construction boot and ask her if she is the owner.
  • Say “wanna screw?” When she reacts with outrage tell her what you really said was “ah-choo.”
  • Whip out a pair of panties and claim that she dropped them.

Step 2: Respect

It is critical that you convey to your potential paramour what you think of them: not much. Your sleazy lines and overall “gimme” attitude will tell them, stronger than any words, that all you are interested in is instant gratification. To be fair, most women will feel the same about you. Especially if you use my techniques.

  • Yawn while they are talking to you.
  • Stare at her boobs.
  • Constantly look at your watch. When she asks why, tell her that you had a bet with a friend that you could “get me some” by 10pm.
  • Especially after she says something important, blurt out: “Can we go screw now?”
  • If she is with some friends, ask if any of them are “easy.”

Step 3: Show that you are Interesting

While you may be interested in only one thing, women require more. They are interested in getting some, but they also want money. To show that you are “interesting” and worth spending time with, you have to make sure that they know you are loaded. Here’s how:

  • Mention that you are a doctor with a substantial inheritance.
  • Get a Porsche keychain and casually spin it on your fingers.
  • Tell them about your mansion and yacht.
  • Point at other guys, especially rich ones, and say stuff like “I’m richer than he is.”
  • Tell girls that you dress like you do because you can afford to.

Step 4: Show Interest in Her

Even the most self-esteem-in-the-toilet woman wants to think she is attractive. In order to score, you have to let them know that they are beautiful. If you use these techniques, you can rest assured that they know, that you know, that they know, that you think they are attractive. Or something.

  • Drool.
  • Tell the girl that she “has a nice ass.”
  • Ask her if her boobs are real. Demand to feel them up, just to be sure.
  • Mention that your friends think she is easily the third best looking girl in the place.

Step 5: Getting her to the “Luuuuv Nest”

OK, you’ve broken the ice. You’ve convinced her that she’s a piece of meat. She thinks you’ve got tons of money; and she knows that you want to do her. Now it’s time to get her to your very own luuuv shack for some hot monkey sex. Here’s how to get her to leave with you:

  • Say “let’s go fuck!”
  • Tell her “let’s blow this joint so you can blow me!”
  • Point out something. While her back is turned, shove her towards the door.
  • Grab her by the hair and pull.
  • Ask her if she wants to check out your Porche.

Don’t thank me now – 9 out 10 times you get your face slapped; but that 10th time…that tenth time…you will get kneed in the balls.


The Competition was that Bad?!

One of the things that Micro$oft has “brought” the computing biz is the ability for everyone to exchange things like document files. A Microsoft Word document is pretty much interchangeable with everyone in the rest of the world because MS Word is so ubiquitous. Sometimes when I look at Word or the other Microsoft applications I think to myself: “My God! The competition must have really sucked for these guys to have won out!”

Wandering back through the rat’s maze that is my memory, I have to say that this is so. The only real competition to Microsoft “back in the day” was Unix. But sadly, Unix was run by 5 or 6 companies whose only agreement was to disagree. These were companies like IBM or Sun, who have seen their lunches increasingly eaten by Bill and the boys.

The problem with hardware companies is that they inevitably see software as a means to sell hardware. Each company wanted to own the entire computing world, so there was little incentive to cooperate. Thus you had multiple versions of Unix did not live together very happily and only ran on some vendor-specific hardware. Each company would rather have 100% of nothing than 10% of a large market.

The software vendors of the time: Lotus, Ashton-Tate, Wordstar (don’t remember if that was a company in and of itself), produced fine products. They were crushed by Microsoft’s ability to take a temporary loss in one market so that they could dominate another market. For example, MS could sell word processing software at no or minimal profit, while still making money in another such as operating systems. Once their competition in the other market had been obliterated, they could then charge sky-high prices for essentially the same thing. Witness Microsoft Word – has it really changed all that much since 1997?

These software companies could have banded together to defeat Microsoft, but, like the hardware vendors, they were so intent upon their own little slice of the world, that they could not be bothered to ensure that someone else survived today so that they could all survive tomorrow.

And so here we find ourselves. The only time it seems that Microsoft does anything is when there is some competition – like from FireFox, but such endeavors are doomed to failure. Free software is fine, but ultimately, someone has to pay the bills, and there is no method that I know of that can accomplish that using an open source approach.

So yes, Microsoft really does suck, but yes, the competition was worse.


Sunday, September 17, 2006

Bad Writing Part 2: The Revenge!

In part 1 we talked about…um…something, which I’m sure were important. In this section I’m going to give you some real-world (make believe actually) examples that illustrate some points. Some of these points may even pertain to writing.

The Broken Promise

Any author can tell you that you need some way to get the reader’s attention. The good news is that, once you have their attention, you don’t need to keep it. For your writing to be truly bad, you must then “break” the promise you made when you got their attention. That way when they get to the end of the article, they really feel violated!

Rather than this:

I’ve used this technique to score with the hottest chicks in the house. Now when I walk in the room all the guys get grumpy because they know I’m gonna be the one walking out with the hottest girl there. Here’s how you can too:

First of all, you gotta get them drunk. No woman in her right mind is going to put out and do the kind of perverted, depraved things that you want while sober…

Try this:

I’ve used this technique to score with the hottest chicks in the house. Now when I walk in the room all the guys …

And speaking of girls, what’s up with all that damn perfume?! I mean, that crap could drop a skunk at ten yards! And ketchup in those little plastic packages – I hate that!

Now you can drone on and on about your favorite pet peeve for the rest of the article and never actually tell t he reader anything. That can be important if, like me, you don’t actually know the answers to your questions.

Insult the Reader

While some people wont give you the time of day when you ask nicely, those same people may crawl across broken glass to prove that they know more than you. Now this technique does not work writing, but I think it should, and dammit, that’s what matters!

Therefore, rather than giving the reader a good reason to believe you, complete reasons and a well structured presentation try just insulting them. Rather than this:

Why you should become a conservative.

Conservative ideas focus on values that are important to people like family values and money. The basis for the conservative movement is that, rather than putting money in the hands of the poor, so that they can improve their miserable lives, it should be given to those who can use it best; specifically myself.

Try this:

Idiots! You couldn’t think for yourself if your lives depended on it! Rather than asking you to come up with an original idea I’m just going to give you the right one. Then I want you to parrot it back like the sheep you are. Before we begin, however, I want you to repeat after me:

I am a stupid, doody-headed nitwit who whacks his head against the wall twice a day.

Make them Work for it

One of the things I hate about good writing is that it’s clear and easy to understand. Such authors make it plain what they are writing about and do silly things like sum up their ideas to make it easier to remember.


A technique that I’ve found to not work is to make it sound like you know what your doing, but to never get to the point. For example, here is some relatively good writing:

The basics of sales are a) getting the prospects attention somewhere else, b) hitting them on the head very, very hard and c) running away with their money.

Directing attention elsewhere varies from prospect to prospect so you need to find out what interests them early…

Use this:

Good salespeople make money; lots of money. The fact that I don’t shouldn’t deter you. The point is that I know a lot of successful salespeople. The fact that they don’t know me is immaterial, I’ve seen them; strutting around with their latest skank and their “Ha, ha! I’m rich and you’re not!” smiles! Well, when the revolution comes (for it will come) we’ll see just how damn smug you are!

At any rate, if you follow my tips, you’ll become successful. Unlike that little ungrateful creep that I tried to teach! Just because he set some sales record the first week doesn’t mean that you can just ignore my ideas! When I corner you some night with a week-old bread crust and start pummeling you we’ll just see who is #1!


OK, so these examples aren’t very good. Well I’m not a very good writer, so there! I may not know what’s good, but I know what I like and it’s not these examples. If you use my tips you may not get a Pulitzer, but at least you can be confident about your writing. You’ll know it sucks.


Friday, September 15, 2006

The Secret to Bad Writing

People are always asking me “is there any way to shut you up?” The best answer is to give me some beer, but really, the point of this post is how to write…badly.

As a crappy writer, I can tell you that bad writing is not something that any old hack can sit down and do. It takes years of dedication and hard work. In order to write really badly, you don’t want some piece that someone can tell they shouldn’t read in the first paragraph; they should figure that out after wasting 5 minutes.

When people are done reading something I’ve written they know what bad writing really is. They understand that they’ve read something so foul, so cruel, that no man yet has read the complete story…and lived! These are pieces that make you want to throw your computer out of a 9th story window (not 2nd, not 5th, not 7th, but ninth!). They make you want to stick your head out the window and yell “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!”

OK, so maybe some people will make do with tossing something other than their computer out of a window…and it may not have to be the ninth floor. But the point is (writer looks lost for a second) the point is...that bad writing doesn’t just happen, you have to work at it.

One of the main things about bad writing is to choose a worthless topic. I find a lot of potentially bad writers who are stymied because they want to create an anti-magnum opus. If it is not the “War and Peace” of the trash heap they’re not satisfied.

What they need to understand is that a brain destroyed a little bit at a time is just as dead as one that’s been flash fried. True dreck cannot just jump out onto the keyboard, instead it requires editing. If you never write anything, then you have nothing to edit so blast away! If it doesn’t suck at first have faith – when you’re done editing it will.

In my next post, I’ll go over some crappy examples that make no sense…stay tuned!


Wednesday, September 13, 2006

A Quality Job Interview

I always dream of a job interview where everyone is honest…

(Hiring Manager): So, steam up some glass for me; show me that you’re alive.

(Me): Bite me.

(HM): Your resume has a bunch of buzzwords on it, I’d like to ask you about them because we don’t need them and I like to waste people’s time.

(M): I know about 1 or 2 of them, the rest is garbage to fill out the page. By the way, do you have free donuts?

(HM): The hell! At least when we’re not in the middle of a release and trying to keep people from running away because of the insane hours.

Is there any particular reason you want to work for us? Perhaps my photo shoot in GQ?

(M): The bank is about to reposes my car. Frankly, they can have it. It’s a piece of shit.

(HM): I see. Now I’m going to have my slaves, I mean tech geeks come in and grill you about weird, unknown aspects of technology.

(M): Does this mean you guys don’t take the most basic measures to create a quality product?

(HM): Of course.

At this point three unwashed freaks shuffle into the room, or at least try. One of them bumps into the door jam and collapses.

(HM): Go into a coma on your own time!

(Geek #1): Blah, blah, blah, blah, some weird question, blah, blah, blah…

(M): Why are you asking me this shit?

(G1): It makes me feel smart, besides I have to look good in front of the boss.

(M): Is that actually going to make any difference in your next raise or rather “performance review?”

(G1): No, but it still makes me feel good to ask pointless questions that nobody knows the answer to.

(M): Christ.

(G1): Blah, blah, blah, inane question, blah, blah, blah…

(M): (addressing Geek #2) Hey – don’t you talk?

(Geek #2): (Studies his shoes, but after a long moment glances towards me – that is to say, to the bookcase next to me): My cat smells.

(M): What?

(G2): My cat smells.

(M): You have a cat?

(G2): Well, I used to…before it died.

(M): What from?

(G2): Starvation. I was pulling long hours here.

(M): Sigh.

(G1): Blah, blah, blah, pointless question, blah, blah, blah…

(HM): Alright! That’s enough! You three go report to Jake for your scheduled beatings.

(M): You schedule beatings?

(HM): Efficiency, dontcha know.

(M): Ah.

The two remaining geeks shuffle out of the room. After a bit the sounds of grunts and screams can be heard.

(HM): So, whaddaya say?

(M): Did I mention my car?

(HM): OK, just one last thing…

The hiring manager walks over to his desk and picks up a rather sharp looking dart. He winds up for a throw, clearly aiming at me. With a surprised yelp, I grab some object and hold it in front of me. The manager throws the dart, which embeds itself with a thump into the makeshift shield.

Glancing around the object to make sure he doesn’t have anything else to throw, I notice that I’m holding a dart board with “yes,” “no,” and “maybe” covering different sections of its surface.

(M): Are you crazy?!

(HM): Nah, you were completely blocking the chair.

(M): So I’m hired?

(HM): Nope, see where the dart stuck? It says “no.”

(M): (glancing at the board, I notice that “no” occupies most of the board). No it doesn’t.

(HM): Yes, it does it does.

(M): Does not.

(HM): Look, who’s the manager here?

(M): Well, if you don’t hire me, not you.


(HM): Good point. You’re hired.

Perhaps this isn’t such a good idea after all…


Monday, September 11, 2006


I tried to come up with an article today and just plain failed.

At first I was going to post something silly, but all the news about the 9/11 anniversary brought back the memories and made me want to write something about that. I tried for a couple of hours and failed to produce anything worth posting.

Rants and mumblings just don’t describe my feelings on this whole issue: my lack of comprehension of the hijackers, the pointlessness of their actions, the violence and hatred that are the true fruits of their labors.

Lacking anything silly or serious to say, all I came up with was this.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Only Souls

“Only souls” is the idea that people communicating via the internet can’t see or hear each other; thus it is like souls communicating. This sort of thing strips away everyone’s bias due to age, attractiveness, etc. and leaves only the message itself.

I thought that was a really cool idea, even though it came from a commercial. And once upon a time I think it was true in chat rooms like “Yahoo instant messenger.”

At least at one point (back in MY time the internet was betterer, young’un!), you could go into a chat room about physics and sometimes even talk about physics! What’s more, you could expect to actually talk to someone – or at least appear to be talking to someone.

These days, if you try to go to a chat room on YIM, you are a) likely to see no activity at all and b) you will get messaged from a hawt, 18 year old model who lives in Nevada and charges by the hour. Furthermore, you cannot create your rooms anymore – it’s whatever they have available and that’s it!

I think it’s sad that this sort of communication has gone away. It was nice to be able to talk to people about anything you wanted to at any time of the day or night. Somehow it made the world a less lonely place.

To be fair, chat rooms were still pretty vacuous. I remember once asking what I thought was a profound question and getting only silence (metaphorically speaking) back. After a bit, a participant chimed in with “anyone know of a good web browser?” If “only souls” were communicating, then there were a lot of banal souls out there.

Maybe this is just another sign that I’m growing old, though I’ve been 20 for quite a few years now. Maybe it’s just nostalgia for better times that never were. Maybe I just miss other souls.


Thursday, September 07, 2006

Scorpid Luuuuv

As many people have guessed from my picture, I’m an avid World of Warcraft player. While some may say that spending your free time messing with pixilated foes to be a waste, there are other, more spiritual benefits to be had from the game. I’m talking about the possibility of finding a soul-mate. The possibility of finding luuuv.

This can be quirky and unsettling, especially when you discover that the person on the other end of your affair is actually a 300lb male slob who lives in his mother’s basement and plays using a Mac in emulator mode. I mean there is a perfectly good port of WoW to the Mac environment.

Fortunately, nothing so disturbing has ever happened to me. Instead I fell for one of the pixilated monsters in the game, specifically a “scorpid.” A scorpid in WoW is sort of like a scorpion, only they’re bigger and make a sound like “Screeeeee!” It’s understandable how I could fall for one, but in my case things were more complex because it was someone’s pet. Can you imagine the jealousy?

(Me): Hi (Sexy Blonde Supermodel Night Elf Chic): Hi (M): You’re very striking. (SBSNEC): Do you think so (breaths deeply, causing all of her…um…features to display to their best effect). (Scorpid Pet): Screeeee! (M): Who is that? (SBSNEC): Never mind! (M): I dunno, he’s pretty cute… (S): Screeeeee! (Scorpid stings my character’s arm with its venomous tail). (M): Arrrgh! (SBSNEC): Oh my! Let me take a look at that! (Her character presses her body up to mine, caressing my arm. After examining the wound she lowers her lips to it and gently starts to suck out the poison). (M): What a cute…hey, what’s his name? (SBSNEC): (Bites arm) (S): Screeee!

Yes, there are many women and male cross-dressers that feel intimidated by the competition that a beautiful scorpid can bring. And some of them can’t handle it.

(SBSNEC): (adventuring in dangerous, monster-infested area) Oh hi. (M): (puffing as I run up) Hi! (Feeling rather shy) I was…I was hoping I might find you here. (SBSNEC): (Smiles shyly) Really? (M): Well…yes. (Pause) I was also hoping that we might… (S): Screeee! (SBSNEC): Shut up, dammit! (M): Awww… he just wants a little attention, don’t you? (Reaches out hand to caress scorpid) (S): Screeeeeee! (Stings my character on the shoulder) (M): Ouch! Why you little (rubs shoulder) I like a girl with spirit! (SBSNEC): Get lost creep.

The jealousy can reach the point where the other person in the luuuuv triangle cannot stand it any more and takes some desperate action…

(M): (running up to SBSNEC) Hi! (SBSNEC): Take a hike (quickens pace). (M): I couldn’t help noticing that you have a diseased bear with you… (Diseased Bear): Grrrr (SBSNEC): Yeah, the scorpid is toast. (M): (stops dead) WHAT? (SBSNEC): I got tired of how everyone was paying attention to him instead of me, so I replaced him with Open Running Sore here. (M): No! No! Nuuuuuuuuuu! (SBSNEC): (cackles evilly) (M): Actually that bear is kind of nice… (SBSNEC): DAAAMMMMNNNN YOOOUUUU!

There are always more fish in the ocean, as they say.


Tuesday, September 05, 2006

The Liberating Power of Mediocrity

I was sitting around trying to figure out what I should post about when I recalled something from another blog and how some people think that their voice matters. Put another way, some people seem to think that by posting to a blog jillions of people will endorse or oppose the ideas that they write about.

The problem with this viewpoint is that it ignores the much more likely outcome: that their thoughts will disappear without a trace.

It has certainly been an eye-opening, if predictable outcome for myself where my site has basically gone under the radar. I’ve noticed other blogs that have been active for less than a week that have more comments, or where the author posts once every 8 days that are more popular. It reinforces an idea that a room mate of mine once told me: “most people don’t care.”

The silver lining to this is the notion that, if nobody really cares, then you can write anything you want.

I could probably post a philosophy that would make the Marquis de Sade blush and get no response. I could espouse a political system that would make some middle-eastern countries seem liberal and see nary a ripple. I guess the old saying about how opinions and rectums are the same because everyone has them is true. Or maybe my ideas are really that boring...

It sort of reminds me of an article about nudist camps. In the article this one woman remarks about how people, once they are over the initial novelty of the situation, are depressingly banal about the whole thing. One telling quote: “You mean to tell me that I’ve been keeping this under lock and key for years and now it’s not worth a second glance?!”

I’m not running for office but...I feel your pain.


Sunday, September 03, 2006

Exercise Sucks

Of the things that I need to do in order to stay healthy, exercising is by far the worst. I remember walking into some health club and being struck with the realization that it was like a medieval torture chamber except that everyone was there voluntarily. Never the less, there were the same horrible machines, designed to cause discomfort, arrayed in their bizarre and hideous beauty, all over the place. What really bugs me is that, if it’s so damn important, why does my body have to scream “stop it!” at me every time I do it? Eat some food that’s bad for you? Bravo! Lie around on the couch? Outstanding! Get my butt onto the stairmaster for 20min? ARRRRGH! Make it stop! And it seems like it does have to be at that level in order for it to be useful. In order to “challenge” my cardiovascular system, I’m supposed to bring my heart rate to 70% of max. I’d do the math, but it would reveal just how old a fart I am. At any rate, when I hit that point I’m breathing hard, etc. basically stressing myself. My body is very clearly saying “this is not fun.” One of the more effective ways of doing this is to watch a good TV show while exercising. The nice thing is that, in order to see what happens, I have to exercise and I’ve found that this actually motivates me to come back. That works well enough until I run out of episodes. There seems to be a very hard limit on how much good programming is out there, a sort of conservation of quality or something. So if you know of any really good TV shows please let me know. In the mean time, I’ll be slaving away on my torture machine.