Wednesday, September 13, 2006

A Quality Job Interview

I always dream of a job interview where everyone is honest…

(Hiring Manager): So, steam up some glass for me; show me that you’re alive.

(Me): Bite me.

(HM): Your resume has a bunch of buzzwords on it, I’d like to ask you about them because we don’t need them and I like to waste people’s time.

(M): I know about 1 or 2 of them, the rest is garbage to fill out the page. By the way, do you have free donuts?

(HM): The hell! At least when we’re not in the middle of a release and trying to keep people from running away because of the insane hours.

Is there any particular reason you want to work for us? Perhaps my photo shoot in GQ?

(M): The bank is about to reposes my car. Frankly, they can have it. It’s a piece of shit.

(HM): I see. Now I’m going to have my slaves, I mean tech geeks come in and grill you about weird, unknown aspects of technology.

(M): Does this mean you guys don’t take the most basic measures to create a quality product?

(HM): Of course.

At this point three unwashed freaks shuffle into the room, or at least try. One of them bumps into the door jam and collapses.

(HM): Go into a coma on your own time!

(Geek #1): Blah, blah, blah, blah, some weird question, blah, blah, blah…

(M): Why are you asking me this shit?

(G1): It makes me feel smart, besides I have to look good in front of the boss.

(M): Is that actually going to make any difference in your next raise or rather “performance review?”

(G1): No, but it still makes me feel good to ask pointless questions that nobody knows the answer to.

(M): Christ.

(G1): Blah, blah, blah, inane question, blah, blah, blah…

(M): (addressing Geek #2) Hey – don’t you talk?

(Geek #2): (Studies his shoes, but after a long moment glances towards me – that is to say, to the bookcase next to me): My cat smells.

(M): What?

(G2): My cat smells.

(M): You have a cat?

(G2): Well, I used to…before it died.

(M): What from?

(G2): Starvation. I was pulling long hours here.

(M): Sigh.

(G1): Blah, blah, blah, pointless question, blah, blah, blah…

(HM): Alright! That’s enough! You three go report to Jake for your scheduled beatings.

(M): You schedule beatings?

(HM): Efficiency, dontcha know.

(M): Ah.

The two remaining geeks shuffle out of the room. After a bit the sounds of grunts and screams can be heard.

(HM): So, whaddaya say?

(M): Did I mention my car?

(HM): OK, just one last thing…

The hiring manager walks over to his desk and picks up a rather sharp looking dart. He winds up for a throw, clearly aiming at me. With a surprised yelp, I grab some object and hold it in front of me. The manager throws the dart, which embeds itself with a thump into the makeshift shield.

Glancing around the object to make sure he doesn’t have anything else to throw, I notice that I’m holding a dart board with “yes,” “no,” and “maybe” covering different sections of its surface.

(M): Are you crazy?!

(HM): Nah, you were completely blocking the chair.

(M): So I’m hired?

(HM): Nope, see where the dart stuck? It says “no.”

(M): (glancing at the board, I notice that “no” occupies most of the board). No it doesn’t.

(HM): Yes, it does it does.

(M): Does not.

(HM): Look, who’s the manager here?

(M): Well, if you don’t hire me, not you.

(pause)

(HM): Good point. You’re hired.

Perhaps this isn’t such a good idea after all…

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2 comments:

James W. said...

Hey, don't steal my techniques. Now the world knows...

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