Wednesday, September 20, 2006

How to Get Some Booty

Don’t do this. This is to say, I may not know how to get girls, but I know how not to get girls. With this patented advice, I can almost guarantee that you will fail. Therefore, if you do something else, you will at least have a chance.

Step 1: The Ice Breaker

You need some way of “getting your foot in the door” as salesmen say. You can’t use my incredible moves if you don’t start a conversation, so here are some ideas:

  • Spill a drink on her.
  • Walk up to her and sniff. Ask her if she smells something. Claim that it is her.
  • Take out an old construction boot and ask her if she is the owner.
  • Say “wanna screw?” When she reacts with outrage tell her what you really said was “ah-choo.”
  • Whip out a pair of panties and claim that she dropped them.

Step 2: Respect

It is critical that you convey to your potential paramour what you think of them: not much. Your sleazy lines and overall “gimme” attitude will tell them, stronger than any words, that all you are interested in is instant gratification. To be fair, most women will feel the same about you. Especially if you use my techniques.

  • Yawn while they are talking to you.
  • Stare at her boobs.
  • Constantly look at your watch. When she asks why, tell her that you had a bet with a friend that you could “get me some” by 10pm.
  • Especially after she says something important, blurt out: “Can we go screw now?”
  • If she is with some friends, ask if any of them are “easy.”

Step 3: Show that you are Interesting

While you may be interested in only one thing, women require more. They are interested in getting some, but they also want money. To show that you are “interesting” and worth spending time with, you have to make sure that they know you are loaded. Here’s how:

  • Mention that you are a doctor with a substantial inheritance.
  • Get a Porsche keychain and casually spin it on your fingers.
  • Tell them about your mansion and yacht.
  • Point at other guys, especially rich ones, and say stuff like “I’m richer than he is.”
  • Tell girls that you dress like you do because you can afford to.

Step 4: Show Interest in Her

Even the most self-esteem-in-the-toilet woman wants to think she is attractive. In order to score, you have to let them know that they are beautiful. If you use these techniques, you can rest assured that they know, that you know, that they know, that you think they are attractive. Or something.

  • Drool.
  • Tell the girl that she “has a nice ass.”
  • Ask her if her boobs are real. Demand to feel them up, just to be sure.
  • Mention that your friends think she is easily the third best looking girl in the place.

Step 5: Getting her to the “Luuuuv Nest”

OK, you’ve broken the ice. You’ve convinced her that she’s a piece of meat. She thinks you’ve got tons of money; and she knows that you want to do her. Now it’s time to get her to your very own luuuv shack for some hot monkey sex. Here’s how to get her to leave with you:

  • Say “let’s go fuck!”
  • Tell her “let’s blow this joint so you can blow me!”
  • Point out something. While her back is turned, shove her towards the door.
  • Grab her by the hair and pull.
  • Ask her if she wants to check out your Porche.

Don’t thank me now – 9 out 10 times you get your face slapped; but that 10th time…that tenth time…you will get kneed in the balls.



Alex said...

Genius! I'm gonna try these out tonight!

Shay said...

you left out conking her on the head and dragginer her out the door by her hair ^_~

Actually, speaking of picking up chicks - do try cheesy pick up lines, if you say them with a grin (so that she knows you know they are cheesy) they are more likely to work. Works on me ^_^

Alex said...

Sooooo *he says with a grin*, if I told you you had a lovely body, would you strip down and dance around a bit?

Whatever said...

Dammit! I saw her first!